"WHY CAN'T I GET ARRESTED?"

Acutely conservative columnist Ann Coulter titles her latest editorial/pathetic rant, "Why Can’t I Get Arrested?" Considering that Arrested Development’s humor is intended for an intelligent and sophisticated audience, I’m not surprised that she doesn’t get it. If the show had a laugh track like traditional “comedies,” she might have a chance – but even then I’m not placing bets.

However, after clicking on the headline, Ann appears to be talking about actual incarceration. Heck, if Ms. Coulter wants to get thrown in jail, I believe that someone should oblige her. This is America after all – a land where people should be able to achieve their dreams. Especially if they’re born into the right echelon of society. The unlucky ones can fend for themselves. At least I think that’s one of the principle tenants of the ultra-conservative right.

The good news is that Ann is right on one front – there is a God. Because Arrested Development is in talks with Showtime to keep the show alive on its network. Let’s all pray this is true. In these troubled times, America is in desperate need of the comic relief provided by the delightfully dysfunctional Bluth family. Plus, if America lets the funniest comedy on TV get cancelled, then the terrorists really have won.

All Tied Up For Christmas

Apparently, the Green Valley Honey Tree Farm in Black Diamond, WA, is offering an ingenious service to help you with your Christmas shopping. With your kids tied up like a freshly-cut Yule tree, you won’t have to worry about them running recklessly around the mall as you do your part to edge up the consumer confidence index for the holidays.

If your kids complain, just tell them that you’re playing Spiderman, and they are the unfortunate criminals caught in your web. Kids love make-believe. Especially when it concerns a superhero who has been embedded into the adolescent psyche through two heavily-promoted blockbuster movies.

Another ingenious addition to the holiday season is the inverted Christmas tree. Because God knows it was time for a change. Instead of whacking off all the bottom branches to make room for the presents, now you can take advantage of the tree’s natural shape to accommodate America’s over-indulgent gift-giving traditions.

Your new inverted tree will show your neighbors that you know how to obediently respond to a fashion trend. If purists complain, just tell them that you did it to make a statement about the true meaning of Christmas being turned on its head. Or something like that.